


Even When The Dark Comes Crashing Through

by iwillsingnorequiem3



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Anxiety, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Bisexual Zoe Murphy, Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Crushes, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Everyone Needs A Hug, First Dates, First Kiss, Fluff, Galaxy Gals, Gay Alana Beck, Gay Connor Murphy, Gay Jared Kleinman, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Illness, Multi, Panic Attacks, Pining, Sibling Abuse (Mentioned), Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Teenagers, Treebros, zolana
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-01-23 08:57:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21317539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwillsingnorequiem3/pseuds/iwillsingnorequiem3
Summary: Alana is a lost girl in high school who tries too hard to fit in with those around her.Zoe is a broken daughter in a broken family who needs something good to hold onto.Evan is an anxiety-ridden boy who doesn't know how to connect with those around him.Connor is a troubled teenager who can't seem to find any light in the world or himself.Jared is an insecure loner who uses humor to compensate for how he feels inside.But when Connor's attempted suicide fails and all five are connected to the event, how will their stories unravel?  Will they find love and friendship, or will they continue to face the world alone?
Relationships: Alana Beck & Connor Murphy, Alana Beck & Evan Hansen, Alana Beck & Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman & Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Alana Beck & Jared Kleinman, Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Connor Murphy & Larry Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Cynthia Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Cynthia Murphy/Larry Murphy, Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & Heidi Hansen, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman, Heidi Hansen & Cynthia Murphy, Jared Kleinman & Connor Murphy
Comments: 14
Kudos: 63





	1. A Little Less Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for deciding to read this story! It's my first fanfic on A03 and I would really appreciate some constructive criticism. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: This story might include mentions of suicide, self-harm, depression, and anxiety. If you are uncomfortable with any of these topics please do not read.

**ALANA'S POV**

Alana Beck was a very goal-oriented person. Whenever she wanted something done, she worked as hard as she could until she accomplished it. If that meant staying up late hours into the night or sacrificing all of her free time or skipping meals, then so be it. She would do anything and everything to get what she wanted.

So when Alana decided that she wanted to fit in and have kids to notice her, she thought it would be easy. She joined every extracurricular activity and worked especially hard to get good grades. But now, on the first day of senior year, Alana was still in the same place she had been freshman year: alone and friendless. 

That morning Alana had gotten up at five o’clock sharp and picked out the perfect outfit. She had never been one to care too much about her clothes, but that seemed to be all everyone else cared about, and she desperately needed to be like them. 

Then, Alana made her way to school early that way she could mark her name down for all the clubs. By the time she was finished signing up, she wasn't even sure which groups she had committed herself to, but it didn't matter. As long as she was actively involved in the community, people were bound to notice her, right?

Now Alana was sitting on a bench in the school’s foyer, alone, as always. She was tapping her fingers on her thighs rhythmically as she went over her greeting lines in her head. It had taken her all last night to come up with a good way to start a conversation, but she had finally decided on:  _ How was your summer? Mine was productive. I did three internships and ninety hours of community service. Even though I was so busy, I still made some great friends. Or, well, acquaintances, more like.  _

See, Alana Beck never called people she met “friends” That was like begging for pain and heartbreak. Calling someone your “friend” meant that you were allowing them into your life. It meant that you were sharing things with them that could come back and hurt you. So instead she called people “acquaintances”. It was a much safer term. When these “acquaintances” betrayed you and stabbed you in the back it hurt less, because you thought it was inevitable anyways. 

Besides, it's not like anyone she had ever met would call her a friend anyways. Even as a child, she would get bullied for always being a bookworm and knowing the answer to every question. So when high school started she decided to reinvent herself. Gone was book-loving nerdy Alana, and in came strong ambitious Alana who was determined to make people like her. That failed too. Instead of bullying her, they treated her like she didn't exist. Like she was invisible. Like if she disappeared tomorrow no one would even bat an eye. 

Alana shook her head to clear her thoughts. Sometimes having no friends made her sad, but then she reminded herself that if she had friends they could get in the way of her goals, and she felt a bit better. After all, nothing was more important to her than making all her dreams come true and having everyone love her. 

Alana’s thoughts were interrupted by the bell ringing, signaling that she could finally head to class. She walked down the hallway quickly, with her shoulders back and chin up, just like her mother taught her to do. Her greeting lines were still on repeat in her head, and Alana scanned the hallway to find someone to talk to. It took a couple of seconds, but her gaze finally landed on Evan Hansen, a scrawny boy in a blue polo and khaki pants. He was leaning over the water fountain and his eyes darted around the hall like he was prey amidst a hall of predators. Which, to be fair, wasn't too far from the truth.

Alana stepped forward so that she was closer to him. “How was your summer?” She asked boldly. Evan stopped drinking and looked up at her nervously. He stared and made the “are you talking to me?” expression that Alana knew all too well. 

“My…?” He began, but Alana cut him off. Obviously he wasn't very good at starting conversations, so it was up to her to begin with an example of how to respond to a question. Besides, she needed to get through her practiced lines before Evan scurried off. And by the looks of it, that would be very soon.

“Mine was productive. I did three internships and ninety hours of community service,” she paused and then added as an afterthought, “I know, wow.”

Maybe that sounded a little too smug, but she couldn't help it. Alana didn't get enough recognition for all the amazing things she did. Her parents never paid attention to her and neither did her classmates. She deserved to brag a little sometimes. 

“Yeah, that's, wow. That's really impressive.” Evan said awkwardly and Alana beamed with pride.

“Even though I was so busy, I still made some great friends. Or, well, acquaintances, more like.”

“Do you want to maybe- I don't know what you're, um… Do you want to sign my cast?” He asked. Alana’s eyes drifted to his arm and she noticed that it had a blank white cast on it. How had she not noticed it before? That was the perfect segway into a conversation!

“Oh my God. What happened to your arm?” Did he ask her to sign it? She couldn't remember. But who would want her, Alana Beck, a nobody at this school, to sign their cast? She must have heard wrong.

“Oh, well. I broke it.”  _ Duh _ , thought Alana. She was only half-listening now. Most of her attention was spent trying to think of a time when someone she knew was hurt so that she could continue the conversation. This was one of the most progressive conversations Alana had ever had with one of her peers outside of clubs, and she wasn't going to let Evan’s bad social anxiety ruin it.

“Oh, really?” Alana tried to sound as interested as possible, but really she could care less. It wasn't that she didn't care about other people, it was just that she wanted people to notice how well she was talking to someone. Maybe then they would talk to her, and she would be accepted. “My grandma broke her hip getting into the bathtub in July. That was the beginning of the end, the doctors said. Because then she died.” Evan’s face morphed into something in between horror and confusion. Maybe Alana had said that a little too bluntly, but she knew nobody would respect her if she let too much emotion into her voice. She and her grandma were very close before she passed away, and it made Alana sad to think about her. But Evan, a kid she had a thirty-second conversation with, didn't need to know that. 

Alana glanced at her watch and noticed that it was almost time for first period. She looked up and beamed at Evan.

“Happy first day!” She said cheerfully and walked off, considering that interaction a success. Evan didn't run away or tell her to leave him alone, so obviously she had done something right. If only every conversation she had could be like that.

Sighing, Alana made her way to her first-period class, English. Only a few kids were already seated. Most of them were in the back where the teacher was less likely to see them texting on their phone in the middle of class. Alana rolled her eyes in disgust and sat in her usual spot, the front row. After a few minutes of organizing her binders and listening to the boys yell greetings to each other and the girls gossip, the bell rang and class began.

The teacher, who’s name was Mrs. Goodman, started off with attendance. Alana was one of the first people called and responded appropriately. When the list got to “Murphy, Zoe,” there was no reply. Alana wrinkled her nose in disgust. Who in the right mind would miss the first day of school? Mrs. Goodman was about to mark Zoe absent and move on with the list when the door was flung open. A girl Alana quickly assumed was Zoe Murphy was standing in the doorway. Even though she was a bit of a mess from rushing to class, she was still beautiful. Alana found herself staring at her wavy brown hair as it cascaded down her back. And her clothes- even though they looked exactly like everyone else’s- were somehow absolutely stunning. 

_ Stop it _ , the logical part of Alana’s brain told her.  _ You have more important things to worry about than some girl _ . Alana forced her eyes away from Zoe and instead at the cover of her binder. It wasn't like this was the first time she had needed to scold herself for checking out someone else. The problem wasn't that she was gay- she had come out to her parents at age thirteen and they had been very accepting- the problem was that she had more important things to focus on. Namely, school and her future. Alana wouldn't even let herself have real friends, much less a crush on someone, no matter how badly she wanted it. 

“I'm so sorry I'm late.” Zoe apologized. Her soft voice brought Alana back to reality. Zoe gathered her books and moved to the only available desk, which was conveniently located beside Alana’s. She cursed silently. Why did she have to sit in the front where no one ever sat?

“Don't be late again, Miss Murphy,” Mrs. Goodman said in a very monotone voice.

“I won't be, ma’am,” Zoe muttered under her breath and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. It was cute. How had Alana not noticed Zoe before? After all, they must have been going to school with each other all throughout high school.

_ Just forget about it _ , Alana told herself. She spent the rest of the class trying to pay attention to Mrs. Goodman, but it was hard. Every once in awhile her eyes would drift over to Zoe, who would be scribbling stars on the cuffs of her jeans or twisting her hair around her finger or something else adorable.

Finally, the bell rang and first period was over. Alana gathered her things and bolted out of the classroom. It felt so good to be free of a room with Zoe Murphy in it. She needed some time to think clearly, and when the other girl was within a few feet of her, Alana found that very difficult to do. Thankfully, she didn't think that she had any more classes with Zoe, so she shouldn't have to spend any more time close to her.

_ This is great _ , Alana thought.  _ I won't have to deal with Zoe for the rest of the day. I can pour all my concentration into my work. _

However, she had somehow managed to forget about lunch, where she would most definitely see Zoe. Alana debated eating lunch in the bathroom, but she couldn't risk being seen. If people thought she ate lunch in a bathroom stall, they would never talk to her. And Alana needed people to talk to her; it was the key to success.

She also thought about eating lunch in the library like she had done freshman year. She was new and didn't have any friends- that much hasn't changed over the years- and the librarian, Mrs. Greene, took pity on her. While she ate, the two would chat about school and books. Alana found that she and Mrs. Greene had a very similar taste in books, and it was nice to have someone who actually listened to her. However, when sophomore year rolled around, Alana decided that she couldn't continue eating in the library, and stopped going there. Now she and Mrs. Greene almost never spoke, with the exception of a polite "hello" when they passed in the halls or when Alana checked out a book. It broke Alana's heart a little bit when she thought about how she gave up the one person at school who actually cared about her to try and make friends her age. Obviously that plan hadn't worked, but there was no going back now. Besides, if she did go into the library, she would have to explain why she was there, and Alana wasn't sure she could do that.

Sighing, Alana grabbed her lunch box and made her way to her usual spot in the cafeteria: a table in the corner with a few other people that had nowhere better to be. Although these people never really talked to her, Alana had taken the time to know almost everything about them in an attempt for them to like her. 

There was Brooke Harris, a shy blonde girl who played the flute in the band. She always wore hand-woven bracelets all up her arms that were part of a fundraiser to help people in third world countries. Alana had tried to talk to her sometimes, but she just mumbled something, fiddled with her bracelets (she did that when she was nervous, Alana learned) and buried her nose in a book about music theory. Alana knew they were about music theory even though Brooke had made her own fabric book covers. She knew this because those books belonged to the library, and Alana found it very easy to hack into the library's system and see who checked out what books. Alana assumed that Brooke wanted to write music and was too shy to admit it, but she wasn't positive.

Next was Daniel Browne. Daniel was a huge video game nerd. He was always playing on his phone and listening to music with his big headphones. Alana even knew what music he liked: 80s rock. One time Alana had tried listening to 80s rock in an attempt to find a conversation topic to bring up with Daniel, but she had only gotten halfway through a song before having to turn it off. It just wasn't for her. On the rare occasion Alana would get him to talk to her, all Daniel would do was ramble on and on about video games. He once told her that he wished he could be a videogame designer when he graduated. The next day Alana had come back with a binder full of colleges and programs to help him achieve his dream, but all he did was run off. She didn't see him for the rest of the day, but she did see the binder. It was in the garbage. No one knew it, but when Alana got home that day, she cried for hours. She had stayed up all night trying to help Daniel and maybe get him to like her, and she had failed. Again.

Anyways, the last person was Madison Rainey. Madison was… complicated to the least. She had tattoos all over her body (Alana wasn't sure if that was legal or followed the dress code, but Madison didn't seem to care) and multiple piercings in her ear. It seemed like every time Alana saw her, Madison's hair was a different color or style. She also never seemed interested in anything. Alana had spent two months trying to figure Madison out, and the only information she had gathered was that her parents were divorced, she worked at a coffee shop, and she took art. The rumor was the only reason Madison took art was that she went to rehab and was forced to do it to help with her addiction, but Alana wasn't sure. Madison also never talked to anyone. She just glared around as everyone in the room. Eventually, Alana had just given up trying to figure her out. 

Thankfully, from her spot in the cafeteria, Alana didn't have a good view of Zoe's lunch table. Occasionally she would catch a glimpse of her hair or see her waving her hands around dramatically as she spoke, but that was about it. 

Finally, lunch was almost over. Alana picked up her tray and headed to the garbage bin, proud of herself for not thinking too much about Zoe. As she dumped her tray, something caught the corner of her eye. It was Evan Hansen, the kid she had spoken to that morning, and Connor Murphy, Zoe's older brother. Alana didn't know much about Connor, but she did know that most kids usually stayed away from him. He had that kind of aura; the kind that made you want to get as far away as possible. Whether it was his long hair or his dark attire or the fact that he threw a printer at Mrs. G in second grade, Alana wasn't sure. But one thing was clear: Connor Murphy was bad news. 

Apparently Evan didn't know that though, because he just stood planted to where he was while Connor yelled at him. Alana couldn't hear what Connor was saying, but she could tell he was angry. So angry that he rushed towards Evan and shoved him to the ground. Evan toppled over like a tree in the wind and just lay there for a minute. 

Alana placed her lunch tray down and started walking across the room through the crowds of people, intent on helping Evan. She had already had one successful conversation with him. Maybe if she helped him she could have another. 

However, by the time she had reached the spot where Evan was he was standing up brushing off his pants. Zoe Murphy was standing next to him apologizing.

"Hey. I'm sorry about my brother. I saw him push you. He's a psychopath. Evan, right?" She was saying. Alana stared at them for a second as Evan stumbled for an answer. She couldn't let Zoe see her. She would think that Alana was stalking her or something. And besides, Evan didn't need her help, so she turned and walked off, a tear forming in her eyes. Why was it there? She had nothing to be sad about. In fact, she should be happy that she didn't have to help lift someone else up and could get to class quickly. Her teachers could see how responsible she was. That was a good thing. So then when was she so upset.

_ Because you wanted to be there for someone _ , her mind responded.  _ You wanted to show someone else that they mattered in hope that it would make you feel less invisible. _

Alana tried to shut off her thoughts and plaster a smile on her face, but it didn't work.  _ You aren't sad. You aren't afraid. You aren't nervous. You're happy,  _ she told herself. That was the pep talk she normally gave herself whenever she started to feel sad. If she just pretended that she was happy then it would be okay, because that was what people wanted to see: a happy, cheerful person. And so that's what Alana would be.

Only, this time it wasn't working for some reason. The combination of seeing Zoe and knowing that she would never like or notice her mixed with the feeling of not being able to help Evan was bringing her down.

A few more tears trickled down Alana's cheeks and her vision clouded. She looked around to make sure no one could see her. Like always, they weren't paying her any attention, but she still felt the need to go and hide in a closet. 

Instead of going to her next class, Alana turned down the opposite hallway and picked up her pace. A few steps ahead of her was the door to get outside. Without even thinking properly, she shoved the door open and stepped out, taking a breath of fresh air as she did. Alana just needed a quiet place where she could be alone for a minute. After she was able to calm down, she would go right to class and make up some excuse for how she was helping the janitor or something. 

_ Yeah, that's what I'll do _ , Alana thought. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed that she wasn't the only one outside. Connor Murphy was leaning against the wall looking up at the sky. His fists were clenched at his side and he was scowling.

Instantly, Alana's brain went into emergency mode. In front of her was the kid that had just shoved another kid over. Interacting with him was definitely  _ not  _ a good idea, especially since he looked even angrier now than he did in the lunchroom. 

As quietly as she possibly could, Alana turned around and was about to go back inside, when a deep voice stopped her.

"Are you scared of me or something?" Connor asked, turning to look over at her. Alana froze. He must not have been as oblivious as she thought.

"Um," Alana began. She wasn't sure what to say.

"I wouldn't blame you if you were," Connor sounded bitter.

"Oh, no, I'm not-" Alana began, but Connor cut her off.

"I mean, you probably just saw me shove Evan, didn't you? You saw how quickly I can push some poor defenseless kid. And now you think I'm going to hurt you. You think I'm going to come and push you onto the ground and beat you up until your vision blurs and you can't even walk. Because that's all that 'Big Bad Connor Murphy" does. He hurts people." 

As Connor spoke he moved closer to her until they were about a few inches apart. Alana's breath sped up. Was he actually going to do what he said and push her?

"I-" Alana stuttered, staring at Connor wide-eyed. Connor must have seen the fear in her eyes because he took a step back. His breath was shaky. For a moment he just stared at her, not knowing what to say.

"I'm sorry," he finally said.  _ Huh? _ Alana thought.  _ Sorry? Did Connor Murphy just say sorry or was she hearing things? _

"I-it's okay," Alana was ready to let the issue drop and walk away as fast as possible. As she started to turn, Connor stopped her again.

"I didn't mean to scare you," Connor said. "I just- I don't know. I never mean to hurt people. It just happens. Like with Evan. I didn't want to push him. I don't even know why I did it. I just did."

Alana was shocked into silence. Connor was opening up to her on how he felt. Why? She wished that she could say something,  _ anything _ , to help him because he was obviously struggling, but she couldn't. Her mouth wouldn't move.

Connor glanced over at her and gave her a thin smile.

"I bet the Great Alana Beck can't relate." He said.

"I'm not great." Alana blurted out. She stared at the ground for a minute.  _ This is your chance _ , she thought. She could finally talk about how she felt with someone who cared. Maybe even someone who could understand.

"I actually came out here to take a break too." She said quietly. Connor looked up, immediately intrigued. "I join all these clubs and pretend to be this perfect, studious, responsible person so people will like me, but it doesn't work. Nobody notices me."

"I wish I could offer you some supportive advice, but I can't. I feel the same way." Connor said, staring straight ahead into nothing. Alana didn't know whether to be excited or horrified that she had something in common with Connor. "I'm so angry all the time. At the world, at my family, at school, at  _ everyone _ . I guess that's why I pushed Evan. And I feel bad about it, but I don't know what to do. He probably hates me if he didn't already."

"I'm sure he doesn't hate you," Alana said. "You just have to apologize and do something to show how sorry you are." Suddenly, Alana got an idea. She remembered Evan's broken arm and how it had no signatures on it. 

"You should offer to sign his cast!" She said. Connor looked dubious.

"You really think that would make him forgive me?" He asked.

"Yes! Definitely!" Alana said. Truthfully, she wasn't sure. Evan might freak out and run away, but it was worth a shot. Maybe she should have signed his cast too when she had the chance, but she didn't think he would have wanted her to. She wasn't anyone special.

"Well, thanks, Alana. Maybe I will apologize after school or something." Connor said. Alana beamed, only this time it wasn't a fake smile that she put on for show, it was a true smile. She was actually genuinely happy about being able to help someone else.

"We should meet outside the library and find Evan so you can say sorry!" Alana was starting to become excited. For a moment she forgot about the reason she was sad and came outside in the first place. All her attention was focused on helping Connor now.

"Yeah, okay, sounds good," Connor offered her a smile.

"See you then!" Alana said and started to make her way back into the school. As she did, Connor stopped her for the third time. Alana was going to have to start making a list of the amount of time Connor had spoken to her as she walked away. 

"Oh, and Alana?"

"Hm?"

"For the record, you aren't alone." He mumbled. Alana gulped and nodded. Those were words she had never truly believed because no one had ever cared enough to say them to her. Now Connor Murphy, the school outcast and Zoe's brother, was saying them to her. It was unexpected but in a good way.

"Yeah, you too," Alana said, then walked inside, feeling hopeful for once. Maybe it wouldn't be a horrible school year after all. Maybe this year she could actually have a friend that made her feel a little less alone in this crazy world. She would just have to wait until the day was over to know for sure.

~~~~~

Finally, the end of the day came and Alana anxiously awaited Connor. Part of her wondered if he would actually show up. Maybe he had gotten high and totally forgotten about her and apologizing to Evan.

However, all her fears were erased when she saw a figure dressed in all black walking towards her.  _ Connor _ , Alana thought.

"Hi!" She greeted him happily.

"Hey," he said and shifted awkwardly on his feet. "So, um, what's the plan?" 

"Well, I saw Evan walk into the computer lab on my way here. I bet he's still there. If you hurry up you can catch him before he leaves, say you're sorry, and sign his cast." Alana said in a very matter-of-fact tone. Connor nodded.

"Sounds good." He said. "I can text you what happens afterward if you want?" 

"Sure!" Alana was ecstatic. Someone was actually asking her for her number instead of the other way around. She could tell that Connor was a little uncomfortable doing that, but still! It showed that he cared.

Alana entered her number in his phone and handed it back to him.

"Break a leg!" She said. Connor's face twisted in confusion.

"Isn't that for like, theatre or whatever?" He asked. Alana shrugged.

"What can I say? I used to do a lot of acting and theatre when I was a kid. I still do sometimes, but I'm really busy. Also, I'm obsessed with Broadway." Alana said. She had never told anyone about her Broadway obsession before in fear of being labeled as weird or a geek or something. For some reason, she felt comfortable telling Connor though. 

Connor laughed a little bit. It was nice to hear him laugh and not just scowl all the time.

"You're such a nerd, Alana," he said. Alana smiled. Normally she would be offended, but there was no malice in Connor's words. Besides, she kind of was a nerd. She just didn't want everyone else to know that.

"Well, I hope Evan accepts your apology then," Alana said instead of "break a leg".

"Thanks," Connor said, shoving his phone into his messenger bag. "I'll text you later I guess."

Alana nodded as Connor turned and walked off. She watched him as he disappeared into a different hallway, and then pulled out her own phone. She needed to text her younger siblings to see if they were ready for her to pick them up. 

As she did, she heard a noise coming from the end of the hallway. She looked up and her eyes landed on none other than Zoe Murphy, who was walking straight towards her. Alana started panicking. Did she talk to her? Did she run the other direction? Did she ignore her? Before she could make a decision Zoe stopped in front of her and began talking.

"Um, what?" Alana asked. She had been too wrapped up in her own head to hear what Zoe was saying.

"I was wondering if you knew where my brother was?" She asked. "I saw him come this way and I wasn't sure if you saw him."

"Your brother…?" Alana wanted to facepalm. Why did she say that? She knew exactly who Zoe's brother was. She had literally been talking and exchanging numbers with him a few seconds ago. 

"Yeah, Connor. He's about this tall, dresses in all black, and is a pretty terrible person." Zoe said. Alana would have laughed, but the tone Zoe used was bitter and Alana decided against it. Besides, Connor didn't seem like that horrible of a person.

"Oh right Connor of course," Alana said. "I think I saw him go into the computer lab." She needed to pretend that she didn't know exactly where Connor was going and what he was doing. That would be weird and she couldn't let Zoe think she was weird.

"Thanks!" Zoe said and smiled. Alana smiled back as Zoe turned and headed in the same direction as Connor Alana almost decided to follow her, but quickly pushed the thought out of her head. She had never had a crush on anyone before, and she turned out fine. Anxiety-ridden, stressed, friendless, and depressed, sure, but fine. She wasn't about to start needing anyone, especially Zoe Murphy. Zoe was just another distraction on Alana’s way to success. And distractions needed to be ignored.


	2. The Monster That I Knew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe Murphy has spent her entire life living in the shadow of her older brother, Connor Murphy. Then one day, her entire world is turned upside down and she is forced to face the possibility that maybe he wasn't the monster that she thought she knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this chapter! Comment if you do!

**ZOE'S POV**

From the outside, the Murphy family looked like your typical family. Mother, father, daughter, son. All loving and adoring. But that was from the outside. As soon as you spent more than five minutes in the Murphy household, you could see how broken the family really was. There was always fighting and shouting and screaming. Just like now.

"If Connor's not ready, I'm leaving without him!" Zoe yelled as she grabbed her backpack from the hook. She was so sick of having to drive Connor places because their parents didn't trust him enough to have his own car. Well, they had up until last year when Connor had his "accident". He swore he hadn't planned to drive full speed into that tree, but their parents hadn't believed him and sent him to rehab shortly after that. They also took away his car, leaving Zoe his only option to get to school. Lucky her.

Eventually, Connor made his way downstairs with his torn messenger bag slung over his shoulder. Larry had been furious when Connor came home from the store with that. "We have all this money and you choose to buy something that looks like it will fall apart any second?" He had said. Connor had just shrugged and moved to his room, not even bothering to argue. Zoe remembered she thought that was weird for Connor. Usually, he jumped at the chance to argue.

But that didn't matter right now. Right now they needed to get to school. Zoe glanced at her watch as she picked up her guitar case. _9:25_. She cursed under her breath. School started in five minutes. There was absolutely no way they were going to make it on time. Zoe sent her brother a glare as they both climbed into her car and she started the engine. Connor just ignored her and stared out the window.

After a few agonizingly long moments, Zoe spoke. "You know, you could at least try and listen to mom sometimes," she said.

"I'm going to school aren't I?" he shot back. Zoe huffed. She guided the car into the school parking lot, which was packed full of cars but no people. _They're probably already heading to class_, Zoe thought bitterly, searching for an empty spot. Eventually, her eyes settled on a space between two awkwardly parked cars. Sighing, she managed to steer her car in the spot without hitting the other cars.

"We're here," Zow said, shutting off the engine. Connor looked up.

"Well, duh," he said. Zoe ignored him and grabbed her backpack. She started sprinting towards the building, not even bothering to look and see if Connor had left the car. It was the first day of school and there was no way she wanted to be late. Then, the teachers would think she was an irresponsible brat who didn't care about school. And that was _not_ the kind of reputation Zoe wanted to have in her junior year. That wasn't the reputation her parents wanted for her either. They expected her to be the "good child" and be perfect to make up for Connor's mistakes.

Once Zoe entered the building, she checked her schedule to see what room her first class was in. _Goodman- 601_, the paper read. Zoe was almost to the door when the bell rang.

_Shit_, Zoe thought angrily. She was late. Again. And it was all thanks to her amazing brother, Connor. Sometimes she just wished he would disappear. Vanish into thin air. Be wiped away from existence. Of course, that was a terrible thought to have, but Zoe couldn't help it. He was constantly making her life miserable. She had only been awake for an hour today and he had already made Mom and Dad fight, finished all the milk, and made her late to class.

Speaking of class, she should open the door so she isn't marked absent.

Zoe flung open the door and the entire class swiveled their heads to stare at her. A couple of kids snickered. Zoe is aware that she probably looks like a mess. After all, she did just run through the parking lot at top speed. However, she can't bring herself to care. She gathered her things and made her way to the only available desk, telling the teacher her name on the way.

The desk was in the front row. The front row wasn't Zoe's preferred spot to sit. And no, it wasn't because she loved breaking the rules and being on her phone (though she had to admit, she did it on occasion. But honestly, who didn't?) it was because she didn't like being the center of attention. That was probably surprising, considering she got next to no attention at home, but she didn't like the feeling of everyone's eyes on her, _especially _since she probably looked terrible right now.

As the teacher began talking about all the super uninteresting topics they would be covering in her class this year, Zoe glanced over at the girl sitting next to her. Alana Beck, she believed her name was. They had almost never spoken to each other or even really interacted at all, but Zoe noticed that Alana was staring at her. She would look up from her binder every few minutes to stare at Zoe before turning away. Zoe sighed. She knew she looked bad, but she must look _really _bad if a girl she didn't even know was stealing glances at her during class.

As soon as class ended, Zoe rushed out the door and into the bathroom. She quickly fixed her hair in the mirror. Surprisingly, it wasn't horrible, which Zoe was grateful for. If she had spent any longer in the bathroom, she would have been late for her next class. And if there was one thing Zoe didn't need right now, it was to be late for another class.

The rest of Zoe's morning went by smoothly. All of her classes were extremely boring, as she expected, but at least she wasn't late to any of them. By the time lunch rolled around, she was actually feeling pretty good. Zoe made her way to ber lunch table to hang out with her best friends, Bee and Livia.

"Hey," she said, sitting down beside them. Bee and Livia greeted her with smiles.

"How has your first day been, Zo?" Bee asked curiously.

"Surprisingly not too bad," Zoe responded. From there they continued talking about what classes they were taking, the teachers they had, and what they did over the summer. By the time lunch was over, Zoe was almost excited for her next class.

Until she saw Connor.

Connor almost never ate lunch in the cafeteria. Zoe wasn't exactly sure where he ate, but she definitely wasn't going to go out of her way to find out. If Connor wanted to he left alone, he wanted to he left alone.

However, today Connor was in the middle of the lunchroom near the lunch line. Zoe saw him out of her peripheral vision and instantly scowled. Every time Connor came into the lunchroom, trouble followed. One time someone cut in front of him in the lunch line and Connor threw a lunch tray at him. It missed- thankfully- but the kid had taken off crying and Connor wasn't seen at school for the rest of the day. Every time one of these "incidents" happened, Zoe was always the one to clean up the mess Connor left behind. She had followed the poor kid and apologized on behalf of her brother. Both Bee and Livia had asked her multiple times why she had felt the need to say sorry every time Connor did something bad, and honestly, Zoe wasn't sure. It was just that every time she saw someone hurting because of Connor, she knew instantly that she needed to help them. She supposed that it was because she knew how it felt to have Connor hurt her for no apparent reason and not know whether it was because he was angry at her or himself.

Zoe's theory of something bad happening was proven correct when Connor began talking to two kids. She recognized one of them as Jared Kleinman. He had been her lab partner in science last year. Zoe remembered him because she had expected him to be one of those kids that slacked off on his work, but he was actually really smart. They had fun working together. She hadn't talked to him since then and felt a little bad about it. He seemed like one of those kids that didn't have a ton of good friends.

Connor was shooting Jared a death glare that Zoe knew all too well, and she prayed silently that he got away as fast as possible. Jared seemed to understand that, because he walked away nervously, leaving the other kid standing there alone.

Zoe bit her lip. She could already tell this was going to end badly. She was pretty sure the kid that Jared left was named Evan Hansen, and he was too scared to move. He was like the epitome of helplessness, Zoe thought, with his nervous tics and a broken arm. Connor said something to him before shoving him to the ground. Zoe audibly gasped, but no one else seemed to notice. Connor had stooped low before, but pushing anxious and injured kid like Evan? That was just plain horrible.

Zoe quickly stood up and began to make her way across the cafeteria to Evan. He hadn't even gotten up yet. He was just lying there on the ground as if he were waiting for someone to help him up. _It's a good thing you're here then_, she thought.

"Hey, are you okay?" Zoe asked genuinely when she reached him. He blinked at her a couple of times like he couldn't believe that she actually existed. It was kind of cute, actually. Zoe smiled and helped pull him to his feet.

"Yeah," Evan mumbled. He seemed to be okay for someone that had just been shoved to the ground, but Zoe still felt as though she should continue apologizing. Evan just looked so nervous and scared, and she wanted to make him feel noticed. Everyone deserves a reminder that they were cared for, after all, and who better to provide that than someone who also felt unwanted at times?

"I'm sorry about my brother. I saw him push you... he's a psychopath. Evan, right?" Zoe asked.

"Evan?" Evan echoed blankly. He was staring at her with wide eyes and seemed to be processing her words at a slower rate than usual, which Zoe didn't mind. She could be patient. After all, she lived in a house with Connor, where if you weren't patient life was even more of a living hell than normal.

"That's your name...?" A thought suddenly occurred to Zoe: _what if she had gotten his name wrong_? That made her want to internally die of embarrassment. Leave it to Zoe to screw up someone's name on their first meeting. Luckily for her, Evan finally gathered his bearings and responded.

"Oh. Yes. Evan. It's Evan. Sorry." he said.

"Why are you sorry?" She frowned. If anyone should be sorry in this scenario, it should be her. She was the one that started the conversation in the first place. All awkwardness that took place was purely her fault.

"Well, just because you said, Evan, and then I said it, you know I repeated it, which is, that is so annoying when people do that," He rambled. Zoe barely suppressed a small laugh. Evan was clearly flustered and anxious. She decided to switch the topic to hopefully make him forget about his previous awkwardness. After all, there had been plenty of times when she herself had been awkward, and she definitely didn't want to relive those moments.

"I'm Zoe," She said and held out her hand to shake, but Evan didn't take it. Instead, he ducked his head and wiped his hands on his pants. Zoe briefly wondered whether they were sweaty or sticky or something, but those thoughts were chased away as Evan began to speak again.

"Yes. No, I know." He said.

"You know?" Now Zoe was actually confused. She was just a junior girl in high school. Most of the kids in her own grade only knew her as "Connor's younger sister". Why would Evan, someone a year above her, know her name?

"No, no, no, it's just, I mean, I've seen you play guitar in jazz band," _Ah, of course, jazz band_, Zoe thought. Looking back on it, she did vaguely remember seeing Evan in the audience at some of her concerts last year. He was always fidgeting with his clothes and standing apart from everyone else who was there. "I love jazz. Well, not all jazz. But definitely like jazz band jazz. That's so weird, I'm sorry."

"You apologize a lot," Zoe pointed out.

"I'm sorry," Evan said immediately. Then, as if realizing what he had just said, he nodded sheepishly and looked down. "Or... I mean... you know what I mean." This time, Zoe allowed herself to giggle. She knew this must be slightly mortifying for Evan, but she found that laughing in awkward situations could make it a little less awkward. Or, at least for her.

The two of them stood there for a moment. Evan looked like he wanted to bury himself in a hole and stay there for eternity, even after Zoe's attempts to make him more comfortable around her. In the distance, she heard a bell ring and was reminded that she needed to get to class soon, which meant the end of her talk with Evan.

"Okay, well, I'll talk to you-" she was about to say "later" when Evan interrupted her.

"You don't want to sign my cast, do you?" he asked so hurriedly that it was hard to make out his words. Zoe was pretty sure he asked if she wanted to sign his cast, and her eyes brightened. She had completely forgotten about his cast. Signing it was a great way to spread kindness and apologize for Connor's actions. However, she wasn't exactly sure that was what he said and decided that it would be best to confirm.

"What?" she asked curiously. Evan blushed and tucked his arm behind his back.

"What... what'd you say?" He responded, making Zoe's brow crease. As far as she was concerned, she hadn't said anything except "what?"

"I didn't say anything, you said something," She said slowly. She didn't imagine it, right? Evan had asked her to sign his cast, didn't he?

_Maybe he doesn't actually want your signature_, Zoe thought. _Maybe he asked and then regretted it afterward._ Zoe supposed that made sense. What senior wanted the younger sister of Connor Murphy signing his cast, even if they didn't have a better option? Besides, Evan probably just thought she was talking to him so she could apologize for her brother, not because she just wanted to be nice.

"Me? I... no way... Jose." Evan said, making a strange gesture with his hands. Zoe mimicked this gesture and said:

"Um, okay... Jose," She gave Evan one last smile before turning around and making her way back to her lunch table. As she did, she shook her head in disbelief of the encounter she had just had. Evan was unlike anybody Connor had picked on before. He didn't seem like the kind of person that was rude or mean to others. In fact, there was something familiar about him. He was like a softer, more vulnerable version of Connor in her eyes. Instead of taking his emotions out on other people as Connor did, Evan let it manifest in awkward tics and anxiety. In a way, it was kind of refreshing. It felt nice to have someone who didn't scream and yell at Zoe because of something wrong with their life. Hopefully, she got to talk to Evan another time this year. Maybe she could help him like she couldn't help Connor.

~~~~~

As soon as school was over, Zoe made her way to the band hall. She hoped that she had jazz band rehearsal after school. That meant less time at home, and that was always a good thing. Besides, jazz band had kind of been her safe haven in high school. Whenever things were bad at home, the band director, Mr. Davis, would let Zoe stay in the band hall and practice her guitar or do homework. Zoe knew that Mr. Davis wasn't sure what struggles she faced outside of school, but she appreciated all he did for her. He seemed to care more about her well being than her family did sometimes.

Unfortunately, when she reached the band hall a sign was posted on the door that read: _Jazz Band Practice Cancelled_. A little smiley face was scribbled at the bottom with the note: _Happy first day!_ Zoe internally groaned but made her way to her locker, where her guitar was waiting for her. She slung it over her shoulder and was prepared to leave and find Connor when someone blocked her path. Justin Ramirez.

"Hey, Zoe," He said.

"Hi, Justin," Zoe said flatly, already searching for a way to escape this conversation.

"How was your summer?" He asked.

"It was fine, Justin," Zoe was beginning to grow a little irritated now. Justin Ramirez was her boyfriend for the majority of her sophomore year. He had been a new student and had never heard of Connor before, and Zoe had never bothered telling him. It felt so nice to have someone in her life that didn't judge her based on what her brother did. Besides, having a boyfriend had almost made Zoe feel normal. It was the one time in her life when she had something besides music and schoolwork to distract her from everything else wrong with her life. However, things were bound to go wrong at some point. That was just her luck. Justin had insisted on meeting Zoe's family, so she reluctantly invited him over to dinner. It went about as well as she thought it would. Connor exploded in rage as soon as he saw Justin, her parents argued, Zoe screamed, and the next day Justin broke up with her. Zoe had been heartbroken, as anyone would be if their boyfriend dumped them, but it was more than that. That was the day Zoe had finally accepted that no matter what she did, there was no way to get out of Connor's shadow. She was forever destined to be "Connor's problematic sister" as long as he was alive.

But that was all in the past. Now, Justin was back and was trying to talk to her again. Zoe wasn't sure why, but she didn't want to know. She had put Justin behind her long ago.

"Look, Zoe, I'm really sorry about last year. I might have overreacted a little bit, and I was wondering if maybe we could-" Justin began nervously, but Zoe cut him off.

"No," she said, maybe a bit too harshly. Justin's face fell and Zoe felt a stab of pity. After all, at least Justin was trying to apologize. She just couldn't get back into a relationship with him. "Justin, I'm sure you mean well, and I really appreciate your apology. Seriously, I do. But I'm not looking to get back into a relationship right now. I'm sorry,"

Justin opened his mouth like he wanted to respond, but then thought better of it and only nodded. He turned around and walked sulkily in the other direction. Zoe felt a little bad, but she also knew that she could not date someone who ditched her because of her boyfriend. She had more self-respect than that.

Zoe quickly headed out of the room and began wandering the hallways, wondering where Connor had gone. She hadn't seen him since lunch, and she was not looking forward to having a conversation with him about his actions.

The hallways were surprisingly empty. Zoe barely saw anyone on her search for Connor except for a few kids smoking drugs outside the bathrooms. She rolled her eyes when she did. How they got away doing that without getting caught was beyond Zoe's comprehension.

Finally, Zoe rounded a corner and caught a glimpse of Connor's messenger bag ahead of her. She picked up her pace and continued to follow him, but when she turned down the next hallway, he had disappeared from sight. Zoe let out a frustrated groan when some movement caught the corner of her eye. It was Alana Beck, the girl from first period that had been staring at her. She was standing just outside the library doors.

_Maybe she talked to Connor_, Zoe thought hopefully and marched towards her. Alana looked surprised to see her and immediately tensed up as she approached. Zoe briefly wondered why, but shoved the thought aside and got straight to the point.

"Hey, have you seen my brother pass by?" She asked. Alana stared at her blankly for a second before shaking her head and blinking rapidly.

"Um, what?" Alana was clearly confused. Zoe fought back the urge to chuckle a little. She hated it when she zoned out and didn't hear what someone said.

"I was wondering if you knew where my brother was? I saw him come this way and I wasn't sure if you saw him," Zoe responded.

"Your brother...?" Alana began. When Zoe first heard this hope sparked in her chest. Maybe Alana didn't know who Connor was! Then she remembered that Alana and Connor were both seniors and figured that Alana was probably still out of it.

"Yeah, Connor. He's about this tall, dresses in all black, and is a pretty terrible person." Zoe said, perhaps too bitterly. Alana made a face that Zoe couldn't read, and it dawned on her that maybe not the entire school thought Connor was a monster as she did.

"Oh right Connor of course," Alana said, smiling nervously at her mistake. "I think I saw him go into the computer lab."

"Thanks!" Zoe said and smiled. She wasn't exactly sure why Connor would be going to the computer lab, but hopefully, it wasn't to do something stupid. Knowing Connor, it probably was. Nevertheless, she was grateful for Alana's help.

With a quick goodbye, Zoe started off again to find Connor. The computer lab wasn't far from the library, so it only took a few minutes to get there. When she did, Zoe immediately spotted Connor. She had expected him to be alone, but to her surprise, he wasn't. Evan Hansen, the kid he had shoved earlier, was standing there as well, talking to him. They seemed to be having a normal conversation, which confused her. Connor never had a normal conversation with _anyone_, let alone someone he had been bullying only a few hours before.

"Connor!" Zoe called, stepping into the lab. Connor jumped a little at her voice and spun around to glare daggers at her. From behind him, Zoe could see Evan staring at her wide-eyed just like he had done in their conversation at lunch.

"What the hell do you need, Zoe?" Connor spat angrily. Zoe clenched her teeth and tried to maintain her composure. She couldn't let Evan see her losing control.

"We have to go home now," Zoe replied, keeping her tone cool. Connor scoffed but shoved a piece of paper into his pocket. Evan reached out to try and grab it, but Connor didn't seem to notice and stormed past Zoe, leaving Evan wrapping his fingers around thin air. Connor slammed the door behind him and Zoe sighed. She gave Evan an apologetic look, which was when she noticed that he was a mess. His hands were shaking, sweat was dripping down his face, and there was a wild look in his eyes.

"Are you okay? I'm so sorry about my brother," Zoe paused and then added, "Again,"

"It's just- he took my- that's my- I need it-" Evan began stuttering. Zoe opened her mouth to respond and sort out the confusion, but Connor being Connor just had to interrupt.

"What happened to 'needing to go immediately'?" He shouted. Zoe winced.

"Sorry, I really have to go. I'll see you tomorrow and we can figure all of this out, okay?" Zoe said.

"Wait, _no_!" Evan looked terrified and Zoe was tempted to stay behind and comfort him, but Connor was yelling at her and she had to go. She waved at Evan one last time before turning on her heel and sprinting out the door to where Connor was waiting.

"Finally," Connor grumbled and started walked off. Zoe snorted. She cast one look back at Evan through the computer lab window, and he was just standing there frozen in terror. Zoe felt like a terrible person.

_You talk to him tomorrow_, she reassured herself as the two siblings exited the building, _right now you need to focus on Connor and what he was doing with Evan_.

Zoe yanked open the car door and slid into the driver's seat. She quickly started up the car and pulled out of the parking lot. The car was eerily silent for a few agonizingly long moments. Zoe didn't dare turn on the radio, knowing full well that Connor would immediately yell at her. Speaking of Connor, she glanced over at him. He was sitting beside her, his fists clenched and a look of pure anger on his face. Zoe wondered what had set him off so easily. It couldn't have been her, right? All she did was tell him that they needed to leave, which he should have known already. Unless, he had forgotten, which was a possibility. Or unless he was high... Zoe's eyes widened as a sudden realization dawned on her.

"You know, I never pegged Evan Hansen as a drug dealer," She said suddenly, shaking her head slightly in disbelief, but keeping her eyes on the road ahead. Connor gave her an incredulous look, but she didn't notice and continued speaking. "I mean, it's not like I know him well or anything, but the thought never would have occurred to me. He always seemed really sweet and innocent, not anything like a drug dealer. Though now that I think about it I suppose he could be anything; a murderer, a stalker, a pathological liar, or something else crazy. It's just-"

Connor interrupted her conversation with herself by chuckling darkly. Zoe turned her head to look at him and scowled.

"What?" She demanded.

"You seriously think that Evan was selling me pot?" He asked. Zoe's brow creased.

"Well, it all makes sense, doesn't it?" She said. "He was trying to give it to you at lunch, which is why you shoved him. And then you met him after school to have the exchange." Zoe pointed at Connor's pocket. "That's probably what you put in your pocket. It also explains why Evan was such a mess. He didn't want me to find out that he's selling drugs at school."

All of this logic made perfect sense in Zoe's brain. It explained Evan's actions and why Connor was actually trying to be semi-nice.

"Zoe, Evan was not selling me drugs," Connor said.

"He wasn't?" Zoe said in disbelief. Connor shook his head, almost calmly. "Then... why were you two talking?" She asked cautiously.

Any peace that had previously been in the air vanished quick as lightning with that statement. Connor's jaw hardened and his eyes narrowed. The angry look in his eyes actually sent terror shuddering through Zoe's body. She was used to being scared of her brother, but that didn't mean that the fear was any easier to deal with.

"What? I can't just talk to someone because I want to?" Connor asked sharply.

"Well, I'm sorry for assuming you had some ulterior motive in mind. It's not like you're just friendly all the time because you feel like it." Zoe grumbled, trying her best to conceal her anger. Connor seemed to take even greater offense to this comment, though Zoe wasn't sure why. It wasn't like she was making any of this up. Every word that came out of her mouth was pure truth.

"Have you ever thought that maybe I want a friend?!?" Connor screamed. Zoe slammed on the breaks and spun around to face her brother. Now she was really angry. How _dare_ Connor talk about wanting friends when he had been the reason she had lost so many? Not to mention those years in middle school when all Zoe wanted was to _be_ Connor's friend, but in return, he pushed her away.

"Are you kidding me?" She shot back. "If you actually wanted a friend, maybe you should start being nice to the people you're supposed to care about, namely, your sister!" Zoe was shouting now, and she didn't feel the least bit bad about it. A few cars passed by and sent questioning glances their way, but Zoe ignored them. She was going to win this argument. She was going to make Connor see reason.

"Why should I have to care about someone whose only purpose in life is to make my life miserable?" Connor said. Zoe recoiled back in shock. Connor had said stuff like that to her all the time, but it still hurt to be reminded that your brother doesn't give a shit about you.

"_I_ make _your_ life miserable? You're the reason I lose friends! You're the reason I feel so pressured all the time to wear, the right thing, say the right thing, do the right thing and make people like me! You're the reason mom and dad fight! You ruin everything around you, and then you wonder why you don't have friends. You're a terrible person!" Zoe screamed.

This time it was Connor's turn to look wounded. He opened his mouth several times, searching for a good comeback, but said nothing. They just stared at each other coldly for a long time, before Connor grabbed his messenger bag, opened the car door, got out, and slammed it shut. Zoe watched as he stormed off out of sight. When he finally disappeared, Zoe wiped away a stray tear that was beginning to form in her eye and started the car again. She drove home in silence, not even bothering to turn the radio on.

~~~~~

Zoe finished her homework at around seven o'clock. She was surprised by how much homework she had been given on the first day of school, even though she shouldn't be. She was a junior now, which meant that she should- in theory- know how eager some teachers could be to assign homework and interrupt their students' life on the first day. It shouldn't come as a surprise anymore, yet it managed to shock her every year.

However, what really didn't surprise Zoe was that she was the only one currently in the house. She assumed that her mom was out with her fancy rich friends, her dad was most likely still at work, and Connor... well, he was probably off getting high somewhere. He often did that when he got mad. In fairness, they had never gotten in an argument this intense before, but he would be fine... right?

Zoe knew that she should regret yelling at Connor, but she just didn't. It was hard to feel bad about screaming at someone who clearly deserved it, especially when what she said was the truth. Instead of guilt, Zoe just felt an overwhelming sense of anger and frustration. She just wanted something in her life to go right for once. Was that too hard to ask?

Zoe groaned and made her way over to her bed, where she pulled out her guitar and began strumming lightly. Usually, when she started to feel like this- like the world was crumbling around her- music helped calm her down. She would pull out her guitar, sing a few songs, and just let everything else fade away for a little while. It was her escape from reality.

Zoe leaned over and grabbed a roughed up purple journal from the top of her dresser. She flipped open to a bookmarked page in the middle, where a few verses had already been scribbled down. She began to reread the lyrics and noticed that she had subconsciously written about Connor. Of course she had. She wrote most of her songs when she was feeling so many emotions that if she didn't sing about it, she would combust. And no one made her feel that way except for her brother.

Zoe took a deep breath and started to sing what she had written of the bridge.

"_So don't tell me that I don't have it right_

_Don't tell me that it isn't black and white_

_After all you put me through_

_Don't say it isn't true_

_That-_"

Zoe faltered. She wasn't quite sure how to finish the line. "You could be someone new?" _No_. "Now you want a redo_." No._ Zoe sighed. She was beginning to think that she might never finish this song. Then an idea came to her and she picked up the guitar again.

"_So don't tell me that I don't have it right_

_Don't tell me that it isn't black and white_

_After all you put me through_

_Don't say it isn't true_

_That you are the monster that I knew_"

There. That was perfect. Zoe grinned and scribbled down the new lyrics in her notebook. Then, she glanced down at her phone to check and see if she had received any notifications while she had been writing. There was only one- a text from... Connor? Zoe frowned and unlocked her phone. Why would her brother be texting her, especially after their fight in the car? 

_He's probably high and is texting me a bunch of dumb shit about how he wants to kill me_, Zoe decided. That was the most logical explanation considering it had happened several times before. However, as soon as she looked at the screen she saw only two, very unexpected words: _I'm sorry_. This only made Zoe's frown deepen. What was going on? Just as she was trying to come up with a response to send to Connor, her phone rang. Zoe's brow creased. Who would be calling her at seven at night? What was going on? She got up swiftly and answered the call.

"Hello?" She asked. From the other side, she could hear muffled sobs and a million rushed voices talking at once. Panic instantly rushed through her body. Who was crying? _Why_ were they crying? _What was going on?_ She pressed the phone closer to her ear to try and hear better.

"Zoe, c-come to the hospital as fast as possible," she heard her mom say. "Please."

"What?" Zoe was in full alert mode now. The hospital? Why would she need to go to the hospital? Unless...

"I-It's your brother," she said. Zoe's stomach felt like it was dropping down a hundred stories. _Connor_. This probably had something to do with the text he sent her. What had he gotten himself into this time? As much as Zoe pretended not to care, Connor was still her brother, and she didn't want anything bad to happen to him.

"He..." Her mom tried to say before breaking into another fit of sobs. Zoe gripped the phone like it was her lifeline. She had to know what was happening. "He... he tried to take his own life."

Zoe heard the sound of her phone shattering on the floor before she even realized it had slipped from her hand. In a matter of seconds, she was out the door, car keys in hand and only one thought on her mind: _Connor._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to add that I hope Zoe didn't come off as a brat in this chapter. I know some people see her character as stuck-up (which I definitely don't agree with) and I wanted to try and explain her reasoning for everything she does. I'm not sure how well that came across in my writing, but that was my intention. I think she has had a harder life than a lot of people choose to recognize, and her dislike for Connor is perfectly understandable and not in any way "rude".


	3. If I Disappeared Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor Murphy doesn't have anything left to live for. His parents are always fighting, his sister hates him, he has no friends, and nobody would even notice if he disappeared tomorrow. However, when things don't exactly go as planned, Connor is handed a second chance to pick up all the broken pieces of his life. Will he take it or will he revert back to the person he was?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry it's been so long since I last updated, but this chapter was very difficult to write and I've been really busy lately. Hopefully, you enjoy it!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter includes mentions of depression, suicide, and contains some language. If you are uncomfortable with any of those topics, PLEASE DON'T READ. Additionally, if I portrayed any mental illness incorrectly in my writing, PLEASE TELL ME. I am always looking to improve, and I would love to hear your feedback.

**CONNOR'S POV**

_You ruin everything around you._

That was the one thought racing through Connor's mind as he slammed the door of Zoe's blue Volvo and began storming off. He wasn't sure exactly where he was going; all he knew was that he needed to get away. Away from school, away from Zoe, away from his family, away from life. He just couldn't take it anymore. His first day of senior year had been shit, as he had expected. Everyone in the hallways avoided him like he was the plague, and the only human contact he had was with an anxious kid that he shoved and the school's biggest overachiever. Both of them probably hated him now anyway. After all, nobody liked Connor Murphy. Not even his own sister.

_Zoe_, Connor thought, his fists clenching, but not in anger at Zoe, anger at himself. He had never seen his sister so upset and furious before, and he knew that it was all because of him and his stupid, fucked up life choices. The look that Zoe had on her face would be forever burned into his memory. She had looked like she wanted to kill someone- specifically him- and for the first time in his life, Connor had been genuinely worried that Zoe might hurt him just like he hurt her many times before. He thought she would punch him right then and there, and then he would react how he usually did: by hurting her even more and then regretting it later on. 

However, Zoe had done something completely unpredictable. She had shouted at him. Of course, she had done that over a thousand times before, but it was somehow different this time. This time she wasn't just yelling at him over something small and stupid, like finishing the milk or being late for school, she was calling him out on every single flaw he had and how it affected her life. There was true malice behind every word she spat at him, and she had intended for them to sink in. Well, she had succeeded, because Connor couldn't get them out of his head.

_You ruin everything around you._

Her words echoed around Connor's head until he was left with a throbbing headache. He wanted so badly to be angry at Zoe, but he just couldn't. He couldn't because all of it was true. Connor was the reason his parents fought. He was the reason Zoe's life was miserable. He vaguely wondered how many friends Zoe had lost and how many people bullied her just because she was related to him. The idea made him sick to his stomach. 

_You ruin everything around you._

The truth was that Connor actually loved Zoe. He knew that he never showed her this and that Zoe was under the impression he saw her as a pesky little sister, but that wasn't true. Sure, Zoe could get on his nerves sometimes, but that wasn't her fault. It was his. She had every right to get mad at him. He was a terrible person who let his emotions lash out and hurt anyone he could possibly care about, and he hated that she was suffering because of him. She was a good, kind, sweet, and compassionate person- unlike himself- that deserved a better life than the one she was dealt with. However, he knew that she would never get that as long as Connor was still alive.

_You ruin everything around you._

Connor didn't even realize he had been running until his breath started shallowing and he felt his legs weaken. He didn't remember the last time he had gone running or even had any physical activity at all, and he was terribly out of shape. With a huff, Connor slowed himself down and looked around, trying to see where his legs had taken him while he was lost in thought. 

He was standing in the middle of what looked like a deserted apple orchard. Lines of overgrown trees with plastic bags hanging from them surrounded him on all sides. The forest floor was littered with moldy apple cores, splintered tree branches, and dead leaves. Connor had a faint memory of a different time when the trees were blooming with ripe apples and buds. He remembered coming here as a child when it was thriving and full of young smiling children like him who knew nothing about life or the real world. _Autumn Smile Apple Orchard_, he was pretty sure it was called. It was kind of sad how uncared for the place was now. When he looked back through his memories of the orchard, he surprisingly couldn't find any bad ones, which was rare for him. In fact, the trips his family took here were pretty mellow. He and Zoe got along and played games together. His parents talked and laughed without fighting. They all ate sandwiches packed in a little wicker basket and basked in the glow of the sun. The Murphys acted like an actual functioning family. Of course, this was during those bright happy days when Connor was a child before the shit hit the fan and his life went to hell.

_You ruin everything around you._

In an instant, the possibly happy moment Connor had been having disappeared as soon as reality came back to torture him. He had tried so hard to be a good person and a good son, but no one else understood him, not even his parents. He knew that they were only trying their best to do what they thought was right, but in the end, their arguing over what to do with him just made everything worse for him and for Zoe. They were on the brink of splitting up, and they probably would if Connor stuck around much longer.

He had tried to reach out to Alana during their brief interactions at school. She seemed so lost and lonely despite the confident and outgoing facade she put up to fool everyone else. And she genuinely appeared to understand him and what he was struggling with, which had never happened before. However, it was only a matter of time before she saw the monster inside of him and stopped being so caring. Whatever friendship that had sparked today would fizzle out before both of them knew it, and then Connor would be all alone again. 

He had tried to apologize to Evan, and for a moment he almost seemed to be making progress. He had signed his cast, gotten his paper off the printer, and was working up to courage to say the words "I'm sorry" right before Zoe had barged in and dragged him out. Not that it was her fault. After all, she had witnessed Connor shove Evan only hours before. It made sense that she wanted to break them apart before Connor tried to do something else terrible. 

And then, of course, there was Zoe. He had already thought long and hard about Zoe since their argument. She was the only person in his life that he hadn't tried to fix his relationship with, and he regretted it so much. They could have been each other's rocks throughout the crazy storm of high school, but instead, he had pushed her away and made her life miserable. Connor wished that he had a good explanation for why he did what he did, but he didn't. He wished that he could turn back the clock and make things with him and Zoe right about, but he couldn't. Those days when he actually liked waking up each morning were over, and he couldn't get them back no matter how badly he wanted to. The only thing he could do was make sure that no one else around him had to go through what he did, which meant that he had to eliminate the problem: him. 

He whipped out his phone and stared at the screen through blurred tears. His entire body shaking, Connor forced himself to push Zoe's contact name in his phone. Then, he typed the three words he had never gotten the chance to say to her in person. 

**I love you**

Connor knew that by the time Zoe got his message he would be long gone. He wondered if she would be sad at all. He wondered if anyone would. When he thought about it, Connor doubted that anyone would even notice if he disappeared tomorrow. And those who did would probably throw a parade of thanks that he was finally out of their lives.

Making up his mind, Connor pocketed his phone and pulled out a bottle of anti-depressant pills from his messenger bag. He unscrewed the cap and stared at the pure white pills for a moment before closing his eyes and bringing the bottle to his lips. Then, he tilted it upward towards the cloudy sky and his whole world went black.

~~~~~

When Connor made the decision to swallow an entire bottle of pills, he had intended to never wake up again, so it came as quite a surprise to him when he felt a strange pounding in his head and heard people whispering all around him. He tried to open his eyes, or sit up, or do something, but it was like his entire body was paralyzed. He couldn't move. His head hurt like hell and his throat felt as if he had swallowed needles. But the biggest problem was that Connor was alike.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,_ Connor thought, wishing he could bash his head into the wall. This wasn't supposed to happen. How did this happen? Connor was supposed to die alone where no one could find him and no one would care. He was to be removed from everyone's lives before he could completely destroy them. However, that plan had failed, just like everything else in his life, and the only thing Connor had succeeded in doing was causing more problems. He was so useless that he couldn't even manage to fucking kill himself right. 

But there was no time to dwell on that right now. First, he needed to figure out what exactly happened and how he ended up alive and breathing in a hospital bed instead of dead on the orchard floor. Connor tried to clear his head and focus on the voices all around him.

"Very lucky he's still alive,"

"Tried to take his own life,"

"Called about a mysterious kid running by,"

"A La Mode worker,"

"Found passed out in the orchard,"

"Empty pills bottle nearby,"

"Will he make it?"

"We should have done more!"

"Cynthia, please!"

"Should wake up soon,"

Connor was only able to process snippets of what people were saying before his head began to throb again. From what he could gather, someone saw him run into the orchard and decided to call the police, who were able to arrive before Connor died, and now everything was completely fucked up. Perfect. 

"Connor?" He heard his mom's voice clearly, even though he was pretty sure she had been crying only a moment ago. She sounded so broken and concerned that it made Connor want to punch himself. It was all his fault that she sounded like that. "Connor, it's going to be okay. The doctors say that you're going to be okay. Please wake up, I..." her voice trailed off as she began sobbing again. Connor vaguely heard Larry and the doctors trying to comfort her before he gave up attempting to hear what they were saying. A few minutes passed before they were speaking loud enough for Connor to easily make out the words again. 

"If you had just listened to me then maybe none of this would have happened!" Cynthia was shouting now, presumably at Larry. They did this a lot- fight about him. What they should do about him, how they should react when he was on drugs, how they should handle his behavior, how they should treat his condition, how much money they should throw at him, stuff like that. Connor was always the center of attention at the Murphy household, but not in a positive way. He was stuck in the spotlight that he never wanted, and he hated it. He knew Zoe did too.

"You really think that you could have prevented this, Cynthia?" Larry said back, confirming Connor's suspicions that they were fighting again. He tried to block out the sounds of their arguing, just like he had done his entire life, but it was too hard. They were just so loud.

"I had to plead with you for therapy, rehab..." Cynthia said.

"You went launching from one miracle cure to the next!" Larry screamed back.

"'Miracle cure?'" Cynthia sounded offended. Connor could almost imagine the look of shock and anger on her face. His mom, though usually very gentle and caring, could be downright terrifying when she was mad. "Is that what you call-"

"Because all he needed was another twenty-thousand dollar weekend yoga retreat!" Larry shot back sarcastically. Connor internally winced at the memory of the weekend yoga retreats his mother sent him on. He absolutely hated them. They were boring, full of strangers, and most importantly, reminded him just how much of a fucked up person he really was. His parents had so little faith left in him that their only remaining hope was to send him off to do yoga. 

"And what was your alternative? Other than picking apart everything I did?" Cynthia countered.

"Ma'am, sir, with all due respect, please stop fighting or you'll wake the patient-" a nurse tried to stop his parents from continuing their argument, but Connor had experienced this enough times that he knew there was no point. Nothing could keep them from fighting- not even their own kids and most certainly not this poor nurse. 

"Putting him on a program and sticking to it!" Larry said. That was so far from the truth that Connor wanted to scream, even though his lungs burned. Larry didn't want to "put him on a program and stick to it", he wanted to punish him. He treated him like a criminal. Although, Connor couldn't really blame him for that. He deserved to be punished for what he did and with all the trouble he got himself into, he practically was a criminal. 

"Well, it wasn't working! It failed!" Cynthia said.

"He failed!" Larry said.

"WE FAILED HIM!" Cynthia screamed. 

The room was dead silent except for Cynthia's sobs, which were so loud and heartbreaking that Connor swore he could hear some of the doctors were crying as well. Connor felt like throwing up at Cynthia's words. _We failed him._ He wanted to reach out to her and say something, anything, to comfort her and assure her that they _didn't_ fail him, he failed himself. He should have tried harder to be a better person. That kind of responsibility wasn't on anyone else but himself. However, he still couldn't say anything, and the room stayed eerily quiet for what felt to Connor like hours. Finally, the silence got to a point that Connor couldn't take it anymore. He forced his mouth open and tried his hardest to speak.

"You... you didn't fail me," he choked out. His throat felt like it was on fire. Everything hurt and for a moment all of his senses were completely blocked out and he could only focus on the searing pain in his lungs. Then, his eyes blinked open and he stared at the room around him. His vision was still a bit fuzzy, but he could make out a swarm of about four or five doctors by a cart of medical equipment and his parents, staring at him with wide eyes and open mouths. For a split second, everyone in the room was frozen. Then, in a flash, Cynthia was by Connor's side hugging him and crying.

"Thank God, you're alive," she said, squeezing Connor so tight that he almost couldn't breathe. "I thought you were going to die, I thought you were gone, I thought- oh I'm so sorry Connor. I'm so so sorry." Cynthia became a mumbling, incoherent mess. Connor didn't really understand about half of the words coming out of her mouth, but he did understand one thing: she was hurt by his actions, and that hurt him. 

"Ma'am, the patient is in a very fragile condition right now and he needs serious medical attention," one of the nurses said to Cynthia. "If you would kindly step aside, that would be most helpful."

"Oh, right, of course," Cynthia pulled away from Connor but moved her hands to hold his. Tears were still streaming down her cheeks and it was obvious that she was still in shock, but at least she didn't look or sound so sad anymore. Connor was just about to close his eyes and let sleep overtake him once more when the door burst open. He could hear someone shouting in the hallway, but he didn't have the strength to turn and see what was happening.

"Zoe!" Cynthia said. She let go of his hand and rushed to wrap Zoe in a hug. If Connor could, he would have chuckled at the image of Zoe being very uncomfortable in their mother's tight embrace. However, his throat was still sore, so he made no sound. A few seconds later, he heard Zoe sputtering. If he had to guess, she was probably pushing Cynthia away in shock. 

"Hey, get back here!" Connor heard a new, unfamiliar voice coming from the direction of the door and Cynthia and Zoe. He assumed it was another nurse- probably the one making all that noise in the hallway before Zoe arrived.

"Excuse me, young lady, you need to check-in to the hospital before visiting one of the patients," the nurse explained. "You can't just barge in like that." She sounded out of breath and tired, like she had just finished running a marathon. 

"I'm sorry," Zoe sounded apologetic. "It's just- it sounded like an emergency. I didn't mean to break any hospital rules. I'm really sorry."

"Her brother... he just had an accident," Larry said and Connor internally rolled his eyes. What happened wasn't an accident at all- it was entirely intentional. The nurse let out a gasp of shock.

"Oh, it's this room," she said under her breath. "Shit, I'm so sorry." She sounded very annoyed with herself for being slightly rude to Zoe earlier, and Connor felt bad. It wasn't her fault that she wasn't aware this was the room with the troubled kid. 

"It's okay," Cynthia said softly, but the nurse wasn't done talking.

"I... I heard about what happened, and I just wanted to say that I have a teenage boy too, so even though I can't imagine what you're going through right now, I know that I would be devastated if anything like that happened to my son. So if there's anything you need, I'm here." the nurse said. Her voice was full of compassion and Connor could hear Cynthia sniffling when she finished talking.

"Thank you," Cynthia said. The room was awkwardly quiet again.

"Right, um, about that... what exactly happened?" Zoe asked. 

Larry coughed uncomfortably. "Your brother, he-" he began to say, but Cynthia cut him off. 

"He's awake!" she said with as much cheerfulness as she could muster. She ushered Zoe over to the bedside so that Connor could see her. When he did, he wasn't sure what to make of her expression. It was like she was torn between being angry, sad, and guilty all at the same time. Mostly, she just looked hurt, which Connor supposed was probably his fault. He created this mess to try and help Zoe have a better life, and all it had done was cause her even more pain. 

"Oh, um," Zoe said awkwardly. Cynthia was staring at her expectantly, but she couldn't even look Connor in the eye. "Could we maybe have some, uh, privacy please?" she asked. It was clear that she was extremely uncomfortable in this situation. The last time the two siblings had seen each other ended with a huge fight and Connor fleeing the car. The next thing Zoe knew, she was getting a call from Cynthia stating that Connor had tried to overdose on pills. That was enough to push anyone out of their comfort zone. 

Cynthia and Larry looked at the nurses inquisitively. They nodded as they filed out of the room. Cynthia gave Zoe one last long look.

"Take your time, honey," she said softly. Zoe gulped and nodded, trying to show as little emotion on her face as possible. Then, Larry and Cynthia stepped out of the hospital room, shutting the door behind them and leaving Zoe and Connor completely alone. Everything was silent for a moment. Connor could tell that Zoe was choosing her next words very carefully. 

"I'm sorry," she said at last. Connor looked surprised. That was the last thing that he expected her to say. He was thinking she would say something more along the lines of "you do realize how fucked up you are, right?" or "why the hell did you do it?" He definitely didn't predict "I'm sorry." After all, she had nothing to be sorry for, he did. He caused all of this to happen.

"You're sorry?" he asked. His voice was raspy, but it hurt less to talk now, which was good. It would be very difficult to hold a conversation with Zoe if every time he opened his mouth he felt like he was being stabbed repeatedly.

Zoe looked surprised by his confusion, which Connor didn't understand.

"Of course I'm sorry," she said as if this should be obvious. "I know... I know we aren't very close like _at all,_ and we fight... well, we fight a lot,"

"That's an understatement," Connor chuckled dryly. Zoe attempted a weak smile but it faltered. She sighed before closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. Then, she opened them.

"But I don't- I don't want you dead, okay? And I didn't mean the things I said. I was mad and upset and-" Zoe was beginning to ramble, so Connor cut her off.

"Yes you did," he said. Zoe stared at him.

"What?" she demanded.

"You meant what you said. You don't have to pretend like it wasn't true, because I know it is," Connor said. Zoe opened her mouth to oppose him, but he stopped her before she did. "I'm a terrible person- a monster- and I've completely fucked up your life and countless others. I know that. You don't have to sugarcoat it because I'm sitting in a hospital bed."

"Connor..." Zoe's voice trailed off. She couldn't really say anything against that, because it was true, and they both knew it. The room fell silent once more, so Connor took this as an opportunity to properly apologize for everything he had done to Zoe throughout his life. 

"And I'm sorry," he said. "for everything. I know I haven't been a very good brother, like, at all, but I really do love you, and I'm sorry for everything I put you through. It's not fair that you have to deal with all this stuff because of me."

"Connor, I..." Zoe still struggled to find the words to say. She stared at him for a second, tears threatening to spill out, before doing something Connor never thought she would ever do. She leaned forward and hugged him. They just sat like that for a minute, brother and sister, hugging each other. It was only when Connor felt something wet touch his cheek that he realized Zoe was silently crying. When they finally pulled away from each other, Zoe lifted her hand to wipe away her tears. She was blushing, clearly embarrassed. Connor could relate. He also didn't like being vulnerable, especially in public or in front of other people. Maybe he and Zoe weren't as different as they made themselves out to be. 

"Just so you know, that hug kind of hurt," Connor said, in a flawed attempt to try and lighten to mood. What he said wasn't even funny, but for some reason, Zoe began giggling, then laughing, and then completely bending over cracking up. Connor had no choice but to join her and soon enough they were both laughing so hard that they were crying.

"That... that wasn't even funny," Zoe wheezed after she was able to calm down. "Why the hell are we laughing so hard?"

"I don't know," Connor said, trying his best to shrug but failing miserably. "It's probably the medicine I'm under." Zoe chuckled. Then, she moved to she sat down at the edge of his bed and fiddled with the bracelets on her wrists as the room grew quiet once more.

"So," she said.

"So," Connor repeated.

"What now?" Zoe asked, looking him straight in the eye.

"What do you mean?" Connor frowned. Zoe rolled her eyes slightly.

"I mean, what do we do next? You just tried to... to..." Zoe couldn't force the words out, so Connor did it for her.

"Kill myself," he said blatantly. "I just tried to fucking kill myself,"

"Yeah," Zoe looked down. She was still messing with her bracelets. "That."

Connor wasn't exactly sure what to say to that. He hadn't foreseen being alive right now, and he definitely hadn't foreseen Zoe forgiving him, so he had absolutely no idea what the next steps he needed to take were. He had been hoping that Zoe would figure that part out for the both of them, but it appeared that she was just as lost as he was. 

"I don't want things to go back to the way they were before," Zoe said so quietly that Connor barely heard her. He stared at her. She was still looking down, but she had this aura of vulnerability and delicacy that surrounded her. Connor got the feeling that she hadn't been planning on sharing all of this with him until right now. 

"I don't want to fight with you each morning or ignore you in the halls or pretend I'm not related to you anymore," she continued. "And I don't want to worry that you're going to..." She paused again, still working up the courage to say it. "... going to attempt suicide again," she said at last, looking up at him.

"I don't want that either," Connor heard himself say. That was true, he didn't want Zoe to hate him or feel ashamed of him anymore, but he also wasn't sure if he would be able to change. "It's just that I don't know what to do or how to stop those things from happening. I've tried to change before, but it's never worked," he paused for a second before adding bitterly, "obviously."

"Well," Zoe's voice sounded more determined and less fragile than it did a moment ago. She placed her hands atop Connor's just as Cynthia had done earlier. "Now you have someone who will hold you accountable. I'll be there with you every step of the way, and I'll help you through this. Together, we can do it. We have to."

Connor could feel something wet in his eyes as Zoe squeezed his hand. A tear made its way down his cheek and onto the hospital clothes he was wearing. Throughout his entire life, he had never had someone that supported him no matter what and who was his friend through thick and thin. And although he wondered if Zoe would keep her promise when this was all over and they went back to the house, right now it felt nice just sitting there with her, acting like real, loving siblings that cared about each other. They were silent for a moment before Zoe spoke again.

"Okay, so first thing's first: I'm going to stop treating you like you don't exist. That was really shitty of me," she said. Connor shook his head in disagreement.

"It's not shitty when your brother is a terrible person," he said. Zoe looked at him with an expression of compassion and sympathy. Connor had seen her look at people like that a million times, but usually, they were random strangers or her best friends, never him. He decided that this was a nice change. He liked getting to know the real Zoe Murphy, not the angry one with her walls always built up high.

"Well, you aren't going to be a terrible person anymore," she said.

"I'll try," Connor said. "I promise I will," He wasn't willing to commit to anything more than trying, because he knew anything beyond that had the potential to be unrealistic. Thankfully, Zoe seemed to understand and didn't press him about it. 

"Next, you have to quit doing drugs," Zoe said. A wave of unbelief flooded through Connor and he opened his mouth to argue, but Zoe cut him off. "Don't even bother trying to get out of this one, because I'm not changing my mind." She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow, practically daring Connor to challenge her. He pressed his mouth in a thin line but eventually nodded.

"Fine," he said flatly. "Anything else?"

"You need to get on a therapy program that works," she said. "I'm not really an expert on mental illnesses or anything, but I know enough to tell you that you need to take care of yourself, Connor," 

"You're right," Connor said. Cynthia and Larry had tried to get him a therapist before, but none of them had really helped, so they had just given up trying. At the time, Connor hadn't cared that much because he had nothing to live for, but now he had Zoe, and she was right, he needed to find a way to be mentally healthy again.

"Is that all?"

"Well, besides the obvious of being nice to other people, I think so," she said, thinking about it for a moment. Then she said, in a more serious tone, "Also, if you ever feel really angry or you're struggling with something, please don't hesitate to talk to me, okay? With the craziness at home with mom and dad and the craziness at school with... well, school, we need to be there for each other."

"Alright," Connor said. Those new terms of friendship seemed reasonable, although he knew it was going to be hard to quit smoking pot. It had been his go-to coping mechanism when he started to feel that life was pointless or that he was unloved by everyone else. Hopefully, having Zoe by his side would fill the gaps that drugs used to, and he wouldn't feel so tempted to turn to them in times of crisis. 

It was at that moment that Connor realized how much he really missed Zoe. He had never noticed it before, but the fact that she was still so strong and resilient and approached the world with nothing but empathy after all the shit he put her through growing up showed a lot about her character. Connor was so thankful that she was giving him a second chance to make things right between them. This time, he promised himself, he wouldn't screw things up. He was going to give Zoe the life she deserved and show her just how much he loved her. 

_He loved her._ Connor was suddenly reminded about the text he had sent Zoe right before he swallowed those pills. They were the words he had never had the strength to say to her in person and never thought he would ever get the opportunity to. Well, now he had the chance.

"Also, Zoe, I l-" Connor began nervously, but he was interrupted by someone knocking on the door. Zoe jumped up off the bed in surprise, and Connor laughed a little at her. She shot him a playful glare, and Connor's words were completely forgotten in the moment. 

"The doctors need to run a few more tests on Connor to give us an estimate on when he can come home," Larry called out. "Are you two done talking?"

"Oh, yes, right, come on in," Zoe said, slightly flustered. Then, she leaned over and gave Connor a hug goodbye, which still surprised him. He was going to have to get used to hugging Zoe if they were going to try and pick up the pieces of their relationship.

"I'll see you later, okay?" she said, pulling away. She smiled, and for a split second Connor was taken aback. He couldn't remember the last time he saw Zoe smile a real smile. He hoped it was going to start becoming a regular occurrence. 

"Yeah, that sounds good," He said. She stood up as the adults welcomed themselves back into the room. 

"Bye, Connor," she said and waved before turning to leave with Cynthia and Larry. Connor watched her go until she disappeared from his vision.

"Bye, Zoe," he said under his breath as soon as she was gone. "I love you,"

Connor sat there completely still and silent as the nurses rushed around him, setting up various medical devices. He stared at the door, wishing that somehow Zoe was able to hear him say those words. He needed her to know that he meant what he texted her before he passed out and that it wasn't just a last-second impulse he had. 

"Hello, Connor, my name is Nurse Hansen, and I'm going to explain what the doctors are going to do, okay?" A woman in floral patterned scrubs pulled up a chair to sit next to Connor's bed and broke his train of thought. He recognized her voice as the nurse who reprimanded Zoe earlier. 

_Nurse Hansen_, Connor thought absentmindedly, _like Evan Hansen_. With a start, he remembered that Nurse Hansen mentioned having a teenage son earlier when she was talking to Cynthia. _She must be the mother of Evan Hansen,_ he decided. 

"I-I know your son," Connor said out of nowhere. He wasn't even sure why he said it, he just did, and after seeing the shocked look on Nurse Hansen's face, he wished that he could take it back. She looked completely terrified at the prospect that her son would associate with someone like Connor.

"Y-you know Evan?" Connor nodded. "Are you- does he-"

"We're not friends," Connor answered the question he knew she was trying to phrase correctly. "I've just seen him in class before. We're both seniors,"

"Ah," Nurse Hansen nodded awkwardly and let out a very obvious breath of relief. Connor knew she must be glad her son had nothing to do with someone as messed up as him. He still wasn't even sure why he brought up Evan, but he felt like he should. His mom- Nurse Hansen- looked so tired, like she was running off of caffeine and no sleep, and Connor assumed it was to help provide for her son. Connor briefly wondered what it was like to have a mom who cared that much about him. Even though he knew both Larry and Cynthia loved him in their own way, sometimes it felt like they were more scared of Connor than they were accepting of him. Not that he could really blame them or anything, after what he'd done.

"Evan's really lucky to have a mom like you," Connor said. 

"Oh, well, thank you," Nurse Hansen said. She blushed a little and looked down at her clipboard. Then, she remembered the whole point of why she was talking to him and began droning on about some medical procedures he didn't really give a shit about. Connor zoned out and wondered what life was going to be like when he got out of the hospital. What was it like to actually have a good relationship with a family member? And how long would his truce with Zoe last? Connor knew that no matter what happened, he would always love Zoe, but he didn't understand how she could be so forgiving of him after everything awful he did. He was going to try and be a better person- for her sake- but deep down he knew that it didn't matter what good he did in the future, he would always view himself as a monster because of what he did in the past. And no one- not even Zoe- could truly change that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally spent over a month trying in vain to write the first part of this chapter, and then wrote the rest of it in one sitting in the middle of the night. If that doesn't show how unorganized my writing schedule is, I don't know what does. Hopefully, the next chapter comes out sooner (especially since I have the entire thing completely planned out) but I can't make any promises. For the time being, I really hope that you enjoyed this chapter. If you did, I would really appreciate it if you voted and commented on it. It makes my day when you do!
> 
> Also (I cannot stress this enough) if I did not accurately portray a mental illness PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me. This fic is just my interpretation of the DEH characters but I want to make them as true to the musical versions as possible. That involves making sure I am correctly writing the struggles they deal with.
> 
> Anyways, this note is really long, but I hope you are having a good day and a good holiday season, and I'll see you soon(ish) with the next chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you enjoyed this chapter! I'm trying my best to keep the characters as true to the ones in the musical, and I would love any feedback you might have for me. Until next time!


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